The Onlooker
There is something I am noticing more and more. It is like I experience two levels of thought. It’s like my Universal Self watches my individual self in all its goings-on. I don’t know what oversoul means, but the word occurs to me now. It seems that a calm very impartial part of myself watches all the shenanigans I go through. I’m attached, yet there is this impartial part of me that is not attached at all.
The best comparison I can make is when, many years ago, I had four broken ribs and was in the hospital on heavy doses of morphine. I can remember talking to my daughter about the “roof people.” As I was talking nonsense to her, I knew I was talking nonsense to her. It was like a game I was playing, and yet I seemingly had to take it seriously and go along with it. I knew I wasn’t making sense, and yet I kept up the charade. It was like I was playing a joke, but I couldn’t say to my daughter, “This is a joke. I really know better.” It was like I would have winked if I could, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t seem to get out of what I had started.
I am sensing more and more the roles I play in life, and that they are roles. Sort of play-acting, and I can’t seem to stop it. I see myself keeping up with an old role that I know isn’t really true, and yet I can’t quite let go of it. I seem to be compelled to follow a script that I outgrew long ago, and yet I keep following it.
One of the roles I catch myself in is youngest child. You’d think I could have grown out of that by now.
Another sort of example — but different — is from when I taught school. I would use techniques. For example, I would deliberately give the impression that I was really upset with something a kid had done when, really, I wasn’t upset at all. I chose to act as if I were angry because it worked — the kid settled down, and peace was restored. But to act angry was a conscious choice I made.
This role-playing in real life that I’m talking about doesn’t seem to be a choice, or, rather, it’s a choice I must have made long ago, and it keeps perpetuating itself. Now that I am becoming aware of it, perhaps I will be able to let go of it.
I am wondering if all my emotions come from roles I somehow somewhere chose to play. Of course, it must be I play more than one role. When I perceive I am suffering, am I then playing the role of suffering?
When I Godwrite™ is it then that I let go of all my roles? Then, and only then, am I authentic?
In that little book, The Heart of a Gopi that I told you about once, Krishna appears in many disguises and plays tricks. He can appear as a little boy or old crone. Of course, Krishna chooses his tricks for a good reason. He never fools himself. And, after awhile, he does let the people in on Who he really is.
So, I wonder, are we all God, appearing in many disguises? Is that what being human is about?
Godwriting is a blog by Gloria Wendroff and is about Gloria's daily life as the Godwriter of the Heavenletters project that is having a profound effect on the lives of people around the world.
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