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Reply from Shelora on April 9, 2008

Dearly Beloved Community,

I want to share a powerful awakening experience I have just had that gives me insight into the root of the way I was being that I described in this post. I finally got to the root of this issue of control this weekend in Los Angeles.

I am in training to become a leader in a certain organization.

I felt inspired, powerful, and alive. I realized my potential to be a leader, and I was going for it.

I got up on stage in front of about 250 people to share.
As I grabbed the microphone, someone said, “Watch OUT!”

They waited expectantly. I knew I had them in the palm of my hand.

On stage were the chief honchos of the whole organization. This was my moment! I was in Los Angeles and I was going to be discovered! I was finally breaking through into the level that I deserve. I am going to be recognized as a world leader. I was back on stage again, as I was as a child and a teenager.

I knew they would follow me anywhere. I launched into my story. I had them spellbound.They were engaged, entertained, inspired, captivated!

Suddenly I realized I had lost them. They weren’t listening any more. I was rambling on about my trip to Spain and Morocco, telling them the whole story.

I couldn’t stop.

The leader said, “And your point is?”

It was like a train wreck in slow motion.

I kept going…talking faster and faster, trying to finish my story.

He said it again….”And your point is?”

Oops.

There I was, living my dream, and instead, I had blown it, in front of the entire world.

I was being the poster child of how NOT to do it.

Talk about embarrassing.

When I finally stumbled to a finish, there was a huge silence.

Then the executive accountable for the entire training program, a former Clinical Psychologist from New York, petite, pretty, feisty blonde like myself, said: “Can I give you some coaching, Shelora?

Who would pass up an opportunity like that?

“Of course!”

“You talk too much!”

There it was, my perfect dream turned into my worst nightmare.

I was exposed in front of everyone.

I thought I was SOOOOO special!

I was being “interesting” instead of “interested!”

I felt completely humiliated.

But, thank God, in that moment, I took full responsibility for the way I was being.

My ego took one last kick at the can, and then surrendered. I would asked for special, top level coaching!

I said “O.K. I get it. Now, what do I do about it?”

She said, simply, “STOP!”

“How do I do that?”

I realized I had been priding myself on being unstoppable! I didn’t know HOW to stop!

Back in my hotel room, preparing for the presentation the next day, my friend was coaching me.

“Shelora,” he said, “When you speak, it is as if you give the people one thing, and then another on top of it, and then another, on top of that. You don’t give them time to digest it.”

In that moment, I remembered an incident from my childhood.

I am in Grade Three coming reluctantly home from school to face a bowl of cold porridge left from breakfast.

As I walk in the door, there is my mother waiting. She shoves me into my chair, holds my jaws open and forces the cold porridge down my throat.

In that moment I realized I have been force feeding people ever since, holding audiences captive to my personality, spell-binding them, rather than simply being present with them.

No wonder I came across as if it was all about ME.

I realized the impact that one such incident can have on the formation of your personality, your style, your way of being in the world.

But, in that moment, I was able, thanks to group I was with to distinguish the love that was behind that act of blatant domination.

My mother was trying to ensure my survival because she loved me!

She had avoided the concentration camps, and survived the depression.

She had managed to marry a good man, a blonde, blue-eyed accountant with a secure government job. Together they had built a good life for us in a beautiful, well to do neighbourhood.

But lurking underneath the surface, was her terror of losing me.

I was being trained to survive!

She loved me, and she wanted me to learn to eat what there was to eat, to survive under any circumstances.

In that moment, I got the love that my mother had for me, even though it was expressed as control and domination.

I recognized that in my own way, I had become just like her, dominating and controlling others with my speaking.

And, in that moment, I found the courage to give it up, that whole world of controlling, and dominating, and avoiding being dominated, that whole world of surviving and fixing, convincing, arguing and achieving, trying to impress, and telling others how to live, the persona I had constructed that drove away anyone who ever tried to get close to me.

And in that moment a whole new shining world of possibility opened up. I invented a new way of being, the possibility of being generosity, abundance and love, a way of being powerful without and having to control. I discovered a way of being authentic, being real, and having the power and magic of transformation alive and present for everyone on this planet.

Reply from Gloria on April 9, 2008

I dunno, Shelora, I thought you were great to start with!

Reply from One on April 9, 2008

Hey Ghee, that’s what I thought as well when I saw her pic and words on the Heaven website!

Reply from Carol Maurer on April 9, 2008

Chutzpah: Another wonderful Yiddish word. And, yes, Shelora certainly does, and lots of wisdom too.
Gloria, I wanted to post what my Wordsmith/Word A Day subscription had to say recently about language, and in particular Yiddish:
“A language is the soul of its people. This is nowhere illustrated more profoundly than in the Yiddish language, the language of Jews of eastern and central Europe and their descendants. A tongue full of wit and charm, Yiddish embodies deep appreciation of human behavior in all its colorful manifestations. The word Yiddish comes from German Judisch meaning Jewish.
But it is not the same as Hebrew, even though it is written in Hebrew script.
Here’s what Yiddish writer Isaac Bashevis Singer had to say about the language in his 1978 Nobel Prize acceptance speech:
“Yiddish language - a language of exile, without a land, without frontiers, not supported by any government, a language which possesses no words for weapons, ammunition, military exercises, war tactics …
“There is a quiet humor in Yiddish and a gratitude for every day of life, every crumb of success, each encounter of love. The Yiddish mentality is not haughty. It does not take victory for granted. It does not demand
and command but it muddles through, sneaks by, smuggles itself amidst the powers of destruction, knowing somewhere that God’s plan for Creation is still at the very beginning …
In a figurative way, Yiddish is the wise and humble language of us all, the idiom of frightened and hopeful Humanity.”

“Many of the everyday English language words such as bagel, klutz, and kibitz are terms from Yiddish.
Here’s to Chutzpah!”

Reply from paula on April 11, 2008

Dear Shelora,
I was holding my breath while reading your account of your awakening experience! What a beautiful insight, and how wonderful of you to open your heart so sincerely. Yes, it is difficult to see that whatever our parents did, they did it out of love and to the best of their understanding.
Thank you!

Reply from Pam (fortheloveofGodde) on April 11, 2008

What an incredible story — I can see how you held your audiences spellbound. Thank you for sharing how you took responsibility for your own actions and control over yourself (instead of trying to control others). Whata wonderful lesson you teach. Thank you!

Reply from Sophia19 on April 18, 2008

Wow! The Imagery was great…I had flashes of all
of it…talk about being tele portation… As Gloria
voices from a being just that which you are…we give
far too much into set rules and expectations…its a huge
load…to me you just spread your wings cause you love
flying…If this was a question put forth to God….it
would embrace you wholesomely with out undermining you
as a be-ing, irrespective the experiences that you believe
prompts or justifies the wake up call…You have a gift…its worth a thought some are just impatient to listen…..reading your explanation you are who you are…choosing to be different or to change which you choose for your highest good is what you would know of its truths…