Did you see the movie, Hey, Dude, Where’s My Car? There is a scene where the two guys pull up to a drive-through window at a fast food place. They order a lot of food with trimmings. When they are finished, the automated voice who takes their order, regardless of what they say, continues to say: “What then? What then?”

The two guys keep saying, “That’s all. We’re done ordering. Don’t ask us anymore.”

The voice continues and even speeds up.

The boys become so aggravated at not being heard that, as I remember, they kill the microphone or the speakers, and, somehow, make their getaway.

I believe there are some nervous systems that can deal with computer voices over the phone, and there are nervous system that simply can’t and should not, under any circumstances, be exposed to the inhuman service such recordings incur. I am one of these people.

Okay, I lost my social security card. How hard can it be to request a new one? Oh, my dear innocents, it can be very hard. I called the 800 number for social security. It was a real Catch-22. You just can’t get out of the loop. Whatever you press in accord with their instructions, you get another long spiel.

For instance, there was a point where I was so grateful that “she” said she would connect me to an operator.  She cautioned me that there would be a nine-minute wait. I didn’t even mind a nine-minute wait if only I would not have to listen one more time to the sweet apologetic voice that blamed herself for not understanding what I was saying. I was saying, “For God’s sakes, give me a person to talk to. A person. A PERSON.  A PERSON.”

You can imagine my relief when the operator said she would give me a service rep to talk to. All I had to do was to press 1 or 2, whichever it was. And I did. I pressed 1 or 2.  This is approximately what I got:

“Just answer a few questions for us before we transfer you. It will take only three minutes.”

And then I was subjected to the same questions I was already subjected to. That is when I hung up. What do I really need my social security card for anyway?

But, of course, I felt bad. Here was the voice that was so patient, so kind, so sweet, so willing, gracious and using such perfect courteous words, and here I was — bad-tempered. I had already heard that the Social Security Administration has over 50 million customers, and I knew I should thank them for their patience, but not so many times over and over again. Frankly, I cannot handle being one of 50 million customers.

My daughter Lauren did have what is, I hope with all my heart, a simple solution, and that is to call the Ottumwa, Iowa Division of Social Security. She thinks I will get a person to talk to.  Now, if I can find the Ottumwa phone number, and if that number doesn’t reroute me to the same sweet voice that drives me up the wall, I’ll be in good shape.

Let us cross our fingers.