Fear of Vanishing

Here is CC Mountain’s, Heaven’s French translator, most beautiful experience. I believe it would be called a near-death experience. Really, it should be called a near-Life experience. CC wrote:

I was so afraid I would vanish into nothingness.

First I must tell you something very personal about me, so that you can understand the whole story.

I was born with a common face deformity that can now easily be treated with two or three surgical operations, but needed much more of it about thirty years ago. o I had to go through 12 surgical operations, between the age of 3 months and 22 years old, before I could have a face that everybody would call “normal”.

Every surgical operation was to me very traumatizing because, each time, I felt the awful sensation of falling into nothingness, and, each time, I was afraid I would never come back, never wake up. This nothingness, this intimate nothingness I would say, was terribly frightening to me and it was the way I imagined death. Till I was 22, I thought death matched nothingness.

But something very specific happened to me during my last surgical operation. It was in 1997, the 16th of september which is the day before my birthday. This operation was quite special in itself. I won’t give you all the details, cause it’s not so important, but the fact is that this operation, which was supposed to last three hours and that lasted in fact nearly four hours, was quite risky. It could have failed. Fortunately, I was operated by a great surgeon, maybe the greatest in the world regarding this face deformity matter. It was a great stroke of luck I was operated by this wonderful man and I was born in France, where social insurance is one of the best in the world. I’m so grateful for that.

At 11:30 AM they came into my room to transport me to the operating room. Despite the medicine they give every patient in order to help them relaxing, I was quite anxious. Before going, I was alone for a few minutes, and then I prayed. I was so afraid I would vanish into nothingness.

When I was lying on the operating table, while feeling I was going to fall more than deeply asleep, a few seconds before my eyes shut, I thought about God and I thought about the Christ and thought something like “Okay, I trust you”.

Then I fell into this consciousness black hole again and woke up as if I had travelled through time. But there was something wrong. The operation wasn’t finished. I awoke in the very middle of it. Fortunately I didn’t panic for I didn’t feel any pain. The surgeon just told me some words of comfort like “Don’t worry. Everything is fine. We just had to wake you up and now we’re going to put you to sleep again.”

So I came back to “sleep” and then, it happened…

I awoke in another world. All of a sudden, I was standing barefoot, in a fresh and short green grass. I was wearing a kind of white cloth, like a bright white alb. The landscape was… just awesome. There were green hills as far as the eye can see. It was almost the same as this earthly landscape from Mongolia I discovered later : http://www.flickr.com/photos/venture160/827708832/
Except the fact that the sky wasn’t blue at all and there were no clouds. The color of the sky was a kind of very bright golden grey, yet it wasn’t blinding.

The first thing I thought when I “arrived” in this place was : “Well, I’m back!”.

Indeed, I still don’t know how this can be, but, as a matter of fact, this place was very well-known to me. I felt home. And I immediately felt that it was more real than my so-called real life on earth.

A few seconds later, I could see a man walking to me. He was about thirty years old, bearded, with long chestnut hair. He wore the same cloth as me, despite the fact he also wore a simple golden belt. He had very sweet eyes. To me it was beyond doubt that he was The Christ.

However, as he was just standing before me, I had a thought for my parents and my sister who, in this very moment were still “on earth”. Then a vision of Earth appeared right before my eyes… Well, I think I shouldn’t call this a vision… It was more like a hologram I would have made appear. This 3D picture of earth was very colorful and it was surrounded by a kind of bright green and blue glory. Then Christ just told me : “Don’t worry. They’re just fine”. He was talking about my familly of course.

So he started to walk in this wonderful landscape and I followed him. I was walking on his left side, gazing at him. As we were taking this walk, which seemed quite long to me and lasted about one hour I would say, we had a long talk. Unfortunately, I can’t remember what we talked about. All I can remember is that, at some time, his eyes seemed to lose themselves into the green grass and, a moment later, he would just look at me, smiling. It seems to me that he was examining my whole life but I can’t explain why I’m so sure about it.

Just to prevent any misunderstanding, I think I should add that he wasn’t judging me at all. In fact, it was more as if I would have found back a dear old friend.

So we were calmly walking when, suddenly he stopped and looked straight before him in a very grave way. I felt very intrigued by this behaviour, so I looked in the same direction and what I saw I will never forget…

Right to our left side was a vast wall. It was made of huge grey stones cut in perfect square. The wall height and its length seemed immeasurable as it was vanishing into the sky and to the horizon.

At the bottom of this wall, there were hundreds of “doors”, or maybe I should say hundreds of openings, the size of a normal door and of a very bright electric blue color. The distance between these “doors” was aproximately 2 meters (6.56 feet). As I was looking to this incredible wall, I knew each “door” stood for one human being on earth and that I was gazing at something very important and really wonderful. Would it be a kind of great experiment ? I don’t know. Maybe.

Then I faced back the Christ and, as he was looking at me, I could feel a kind of deep sweet warmth while he was surounded by a magnificent golden light. It was his love I was feeling. In this place, love can be seen and almost touched, and it feels like the rays of the sun by a sunny autumn day.

So He was looking at me and he said : “Tu es sur le bon chemin. C’est celui de l’amour. Mais tu vas devoir persévérer. Tu as encore des choses à faire en bas.” which means “You’re on the right way. It is the one of love. But you’ll have to persevere. You still have some things to do downwards.”

So, he put his left hand on my right shoulder and gently pushed me toward a “door” in the wall. Then I immediately understood this was the door leading to my body on earth and, as I was crossing its threshold, I started to wake up from my surgery operation. It was like I was entering my body from its right side. The feeling was a kind of tickle.

While I was opening my eyes, I was back in my hospital room and I still could catch a brief glimpse of him on my right side. He was waving at me with a little peaceful smile.

Never did I awake this way from a surgical operation, nor did I have any experience of this kind before this day. In fact, I didn’t have any experience at all during my previous surgical operations, even a single dream.

The next day, it was my birthday. I was 22.

That’s all.

I know you might have many things to say about this story. But I can swear it really happened to me and that, for me, it is as real as real can be. And it had nothing to do with a dream.

CC, you wrote your vivid experience so clearly that I could picture it and feel the love. I have grown from reading about this oh so sweet time in your life.

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. And thank you for your Godwriting posted on the forum today. I especially loved this last line:

“Our laughter’s echo will unfreeze the Heart of the whole Universe.”

Posted by Gloria on January 12th, 2008 under these topics
Guest Entry, Godwriting Journal

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12 Replies

Reply from paula on January 12, 2008

Dear CC,
I find it truly interesting that you should have been afraid of falling into nothingness, as it’s been quite the contrary to me for almost all my life: I’ve been wanting to fall into nothingness. But maybe you mean that you fell in the nothingness maintaining still an awareness of your being. I’ve been wanting to fall in the nothingness, thinking that then I would be no more, and if I were no more, then I wouldn’t know that I ever was. They call it the ‘death consciousness’, and I know I must overcome it in this lifetime. I am sure your story about your near death experience will help me in this. ‘I must persevere on the path of love.’
With unconditional love,
Paula

Reply from Gloria on January 12, 2008

Paula, it is so interesting what you say. Especially so because of a Heavenletter written down a few days ago. It will be a while before it’s published. It doesn’t have a title or number yet.

This Heavenletter seems to speak of nothingness in a positive light. Here are some lines from this upcoming Heavenletter:

“Has it not been said: To find yourself you have to lose yourself.”

“You lose your tiny identity which your grand association with ego gave you, and now you have no Identity but Mine.”

“So all your life has come to this, to this Nothingness of Fullness of the I AM.”

“And now you walk the Earth barefoot.”

Reply from Pam (fortheloveofGodde) on January 12, 2008

CC, your account is incredibly moving. I, too, had operations as a child–a few and not through the years as yours were, but I know what you mean by the “falling into nothingness.” When I was little, they still used ether as the anesthesia of choice. I remember very clearly how terrifying it was to be laying on the table looking up into an incredibly bright light with all the big people looming over me, then putting a mask on my face and telling me to “breathe” and count backward from 100. When you did as they said, everything started spiralling and then there was “nothing” … a totally unaware and you have completely disappeared nothingness. I remember being very frightened by the prayer that ended with “if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” To me, die was that feeling of sinking into nothingness–that I never was and never would be again–that what was me completely disappeared forevermore.

Then, just a couple of years ago, what was to be a simple operation done laparoscopically in a couple of hours turned into a 6+ hour operation. I awoke to a 17-inch incision feeling like I had been gutted like a fish. There was a period where I was in “nothing” that felt like what Paula is talking about–and like what you are quoted in the Heavenletter. There was an awareness there. I was floating in darkness, but it was not scary or frightening. It was soothing. I never had the feeling I was going to die. Instead, I had an awareness that it would be very simple to slide into physical body death, and that was okay too. It’s hard to explain–I did not have a near death experience. It was more like the feeling in me that it was okay with me either way–into death or return to life. There was no fear of dying, and no strong urge to live.

Later, when the surgeon told me I was a 2-percenter and explained that only 2 percent the people lived who had the complications I had, THAT was when I KNEW I had more to do on this plane of existence. That was also when I made a vow to follow spirit and not continue to let ego-based decisions distract me from my path. I understood, in that moment, what people mean when they say they have a “calling”. I’m not entirely sure where Godde is leading me at this moment, however, I can say I am enjoying the journey. It’s not easy by any means but it is certainly rewarding.

I bless every day for my health, my friends and family, the incredible powerful people who are in my life, the miracles that happen when I least expect them just because I expect miracles to happen and stay open to the when and where. If my mind turns to my 3D problems and travails, I know now where the tools are to find my center again and to get back on the path.

Then comes a post like this. So inspiring and incredible. I am in awe yet again at the power of Godde and our own mighty ‘I AM’ selves. I often see each of us as a piece in the puzzle that makes the One. Just like in a jigsaw puzzle, it takes every piece to make a whole picture, yet each piece is defined. Only when each piece is fitted together exactly does the One exist as a whole.

Thank you, CC Mountain and Paula and Gloria …

Reply from Karen on January 12, 2008

Dear CC,

A few years ago I was imagining something similar to your experience and this is what came out of my mind:

A Curious Daydream

I sat outside in the cooling twilight
And looked up at the lofty mosaic
Of gray clouds and baby blue skylight
And wondered “When I die what if?”

Would I vanish like a wispy vapor
Into that downy confection
Where I’d no longer be remembered
In the Nirvana of oblivion

Would it matter to me so much
Would it matter to you at all
To be permanently out of your touch
To be permanently of the all-in all

For it it comforting to me
To believe this life’s an interlude
Or perhaps a curious daydream
Spun from the reality of infinitude

Love, Light and Aloha!

Reply from Jochen on January 12, 2008

The whole spectrum of what we may experience or perceive or imagine as nothingness seems to be fanned out in Cédric’s story and all of your deeply touching comments. I am tempted to add my own story of longing for nothingness in the sense of utter and final oblivion, of not having to know anything ever again. But I feel this is not the right place (and time) for it. Besides, the story may be obsolete. It looks as though, with Heavenletters, I’m finally starting to break free of that longing. Still, it feels good, Paula, to know that I am not the only one who ever felt that way. (I never encountered that expression “death consciousness”. Where did you hear or read about it?)
Blessing you, Jochen

Reply from paula on January 13, 2008

This blog entry and the comments are really enlightening. For the first time I understand that the nothingness can be seen also in a positive way.
Can’t wait to read the Heavenletter you mention, Gloria! “The Nothingness of Fullness of the I AM�? opens a completely new vision for me. I can see that maybe my longing is not a desire to stop being, but a desire to meld in God and to be in God. This is a positive desire as opposed to the negative desire of the ‘death consciousness’. Pam’s experience is also interesting, because she didn’t feel the nothingness as frightening. This is another comforting point of view.

Dear Jochen,
it truly feels good to know that I am not the only one to be feeling this way, but then it would be selfish to think so, as this is an aspect of the collective consciousness of humankind. (I will send you the information regarding the death consciousness to your private email from the forum.) It would be interesting though to hear your story, too.
With unconditional love,
Paula

Reply from paula on January 13, 2008

I was just translating this:

HEAVEN #2060 Communion:

You thought the world was a great playing field, and
now you find a greater one, a much greater one, an infinite one that has no rim, just a rolling plain rich in Fullness of Nothingness which equates to Everythingness. Never mind if you don’t understand a word of what I say. Just know you are coming with Me.

Reply from Gloria on January 13, 2008

Wow to everyone and everything!

It’s interesting, Paula, how God said this all before, this Fullness of Nothingness, and it didn’t click in. I sure didn’t remember it!

Karen, and that you had written your poem some years ago.

And, you, Jochen, look at you, inspiring us all.

Reply from Jack van Raders on January 13, 2008

Thank you Dear CC,and Paula.My experience of what you describe as Nothingness, was my arrival in a beautiful and golden light environment,meeting people full of love that welcomed me home,some I recognized as people I knew on earth others I just recognized as loving friends I had known for ever. The glowing feeling of love is impossible to describe. I told them Thank you and I will come back here as soon as I have finished something I thought then I had to do. I woke up in my bed and all of a sudden my heart starts with a BANG, pause, Bang, pause bang, bang, bang and slowly pulsing normal. Got up had my shower and went to work, glowing from the incredible experience I had. Later on I realized the person I knew and met again was the persons higher self.CC tells you her nothingness and how beautiful it was and I tell you the nothingness was allness and LOVE. By the way later only two years ago in a catscan they tell me I must have had a heart attack to me it was a LOVE attack. I love you all. Jack

Reply from CCMountain on January 14, 2008

Dear all,

First I’d like to thank you for your comments. I’m so glad to see that sharing my experience could resonate so deeply into your hearts.

Also, by reading every comment, I realized it could be helpful that I give further explanations about the meaning of “nothingness” to me.

For example, Paula wrote :
“But maybe you mean that you fell in the nothingness maintaining still an awareness of your being.”

No. Nothingness is to me exactly the same thing you described and called “death consciousness”.

When I say nothingness, I mean nothingness, that is no consciousness at all, not being aware of anything, not existing.

Of course, as it is nothingness, we can’t experience nothingness. Only can we experience the “consciousness black hole” I was pointing out. For example, during anesthesia or deep coma, only can we experience the before and then the after nothingness, not nothingness in itself, for it is nothingness : no consciousness at all. When there is awareness, it isn’t nothingness. When there is awareness you deal with something else.

So in fact, I think I should have been more precise. The exact title I should have given to my real story is “I was so afraid I would vanish into nothingness FOREVER.”
Indeed, nothingness is not a problem when you’re absolutely sure it will just last for some time and that, when you emerge from this nothingness, everything will just be fine.
To me it’s far different when you consider this nothingness could never end. Such everlasting nothingness was horrifying to me. But God was here to show Me there was nothing to be horrified about. Instead of falling into nothingness I fell into His sweet arms, this beautiful Heaven where our immortal souls come from.

Much love to everyone of you.

Cédric

PS for Jack : I’m not a woman. And your story is wonderful. It’s another insight regarding how much we’re taken care of.

Reply from Gloria on January 15, 2008

Beloved Cedric, you had the experience, and I have not.

It is so interesting what you say about awareness.

I imagined that the Fullness of Nothingness that God seems to refer to would be pure awareness, not awareness of, but just a liveliness of awareness.

Although I yearn to lose all my ego, part of me holds on to it, as if I am my personality and particular humanness, and if I lose them, I am gone, and no longer exist.

I also want Cedric and Jack and everyone to exist in their individuality as they are forever because their personalities are so wonderful and precious to me.

Reply from Pam (fortheloveofGodde) on January 16, 2008

Cedric, your clarification was exactly what I was trying to describe. You found the words to describe it so well - as a child “to be” then so easily “not to be” was frightening. I don’t know if it was the age or the form of anesthesia or a combination of both. As an adult, I’ve had a couple of other operations and did not experience that in the same way.

The close to death nothingness, I DID have an awareness of me. What just came to me was that it was like being in a cocoon or a womb - I had no sensation or awareness of my body or where my body was, but I had an awareness of me.

The death experiences of Cedric and Jack are so moving and beautiful! I join everyone here saying that I’m so thankful for both your spirits choosing to stay here. Your light and love is needed.

Paula, thank you for sharing the quote from the HeavenLetter you were translating - how appropriate. I intend to find out more info about “death consciousness”. I’m glad you’re choosing to stay in life. I always look forward to your posts on this blog.

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